The 40 Day Journey - Day 23 (Decisions)

Last week someone asked me about some plans of mine.  I replied with, "I haven't prayed about it yet." And then proceeded to go on my merry way.  Until today. This morning as I was thinking about what God would have for our hour, I remembered the statement I had made to my friend. Would I be brave enough to ask God for a decision?

I came home, set my timer for one hour, and sat with my Bible in my favorite reading spot. I asked God to clear my mind from distractions. Then I asked Him, out loud, what I should do about this decision.  It's not a huge one, not life or death.  It doesn't really affect anyone else.  I really want to do what He has decided for me.  He has made a way already and I desire to walk in it.

I sat quietly for awhile and then read some scriptures.  I had some reservations so I decided to write them down.  I'll have to change my work schedule for a few days.  There is a cost involved.  I paused. Then I just decided to be brutally honest and wrote, "I don't deserve this".  Ugh, where do those thoughts come from?  Not from God that is for sure.

I looked out at God's creation and asked Him again, yes or no?  What is your plan? I remembered a blog I wrote a few days ago on courage and decided to reread it.  It is kind of funny that God used a blog I wrote (by His grace) to speak to me!  In it I mentioned wanting to use the story of Abraham somehow sometime.  I also shared Matthew 14:27. Jesus walked on water in the middle of a storm to his disciples who were fretting in a battered boat. "Take courage, it is I: do not be afraid", He commanded.

All of a sudden the stove timer started beeping.  And I didn't have an answer yet!  So like I do every morning, I  hit the snooze.  I reset the timer for 15 more minutes.  I really wanted an answer today.

God reminded me of Abraham, one of my role models.  He lived by faith.  And I thought about Jesus' words to His fearful disciples, "take courage". I felt as if God was asking me, "Will it take any faith or courage to say no to this decision?"  No, it would take neither courage nor faith to say no. I wouldn't have to make any more decisions and I would continue on my merry way.

To say yes, however, will take both faith and courage.  And there was my answer.  What is faith unless we are stepping out of the boat, eyes fixed on Jesus, into a place of total trust in the One who calls us.  Faith without works is dead.  I can believe all I want, but unless I trust Him and put it to the test, how will I know if it is real? So I am trusting He is saying yes. And He already knows I need courage to continue in this path.  So here we go, one step at a time, one obstacle at a time. He will lead. Courage, dear heart.

Just to confirm this another time, God reminded me of The Path of Least Resistance blog I wrote last year...sure God, use my own words to convict me!!

The 40 Day Journey - Day 17 (Courage)

My first panic attack was about five years ago.  I had just finished a kick boxing class at the YMCA. As I was leaving, my heart rate felt a little higher than normal.  I brushed it off as an intense class. I left the parking lot and realized my heart rate was increasing, not decreasing. I had no idea what was happening and wondered if I could make it to the local hospital just two miles away.

I only made it a couple of blocks and was certain I was about to pass out.  I saw an office complex and noticed a church office sign. I pulled in and was able to put the car in park.  I remember unlocking my door thinking after I passed out, someone from the church office might come out and help me. Well, I never did pass out. Instead, that was just the first in a series of panic attacks over the next several months.

Two weeks ago, I explored what God was teaching me in brokenness.  Last week I listened to God as He taught me about the cost of following Him.  I was feeling pretty weary and was hoping this week could be one of being encouraged.

I came home today, grabbed my Bible, and sat down in my dining room, which is actually a rocking chair and love seat.  The sun was beating down and I almost had to squint to see the white pages as I searched the Psalms.  God was indeed confirming that this week was to be a week of encouragement.

I asked God if there was a story in the Bible where someone was encouraged in the middle of a mess.  I tried for Abraham again...one of these days He'll let me have that one.  Instead, He directed me to Matthew 14.

John the Baptist was just beheaded, Jesus went away to be by Himself, but the crowds and the disciples followed after Him.  Jesus felt compassion on them and healed many.  When evening came and everyone was hungry, He fed thousands of them with five loaves and two fish!

At the end of a very long day we see in verse 22 that He made the disciples get in a boat and take off and He sent the crowds away.  He needed to be alone to pray.

It appears that sometime in the middle of the night there was some kind of storm.  We read that the disciple's boat was battered and the wind was "contrary".  Can you imagine any of this?  John was just beheaded, the disciples buried his body, they followed the crowd from the city to find Jesus, they had been surrounded by sick people all day, they had been hungry and tired, and now they were fearful for their lives in the middle of a storm.  And then, guess what...they really freak out because there is a ghost walking toward them on the water!

However, it was not a ghost.  It was Jesus. He was walking on water toward the boat.  He did not reprimand them, He did not scold them, He did not say "come on guys, really?!".  No, while they were panicking and not even looking for Him, He came to them.  His words?  "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid."

Jon Bloom, president of Desiring God says, "Courage is our resolve to face a fearful threat.  And courage comes from hope - a hope in something stronger than what we fear."

In light of this quote, Peter "took courage" and faced the fearful threat of the storm. And when Christ bid him come, Peter stepped out of the boat and walked on water! (We have read that so many times that I think we have lost the wonder of that miracle...he literally walked ON water!) Peter had hope in something stronger than his fear, he had hope in God.

Back to my story, when I realized I was having panic attacks and I wasn't dying, I begged God to take them away.  They are so awful.  During those months, I became very close with the Lord.  I prayed more than previous months, I trusted Him with my very life, totally depending on Him to protect me.

He showed me in those months how to "take courage", even if the storm still raged, I had hope.  I think God reminded me of those months to show me that even though I am not experiencing panic attacks today, I can still take courage in the middle of my current struggles.

I don't know when I wrote this or who said it,  but next to Matthew 14 in my Bible, I wrote, "The point is not that we have nothing to fear but that His presence is the basis for our courage."

Did you notice in the scripture passage that the disciples were basically just freaking out.  And Christ came to them.  They didn't stop and pray, they didn't even yell for Him.  They were focused on their fears. In His grace, Jesus walked on water to get to them, His presence gave them courage.

I'm praying in the midst of our storms, we can look out and see Jesus.  He is present.  Take courage. Do not be afraid.  God does not promise an easy life, He does promise to be with us. There is no place too far or too difficult for Him to reach.  We are not beyond His grasp, on the contrary, I think we are in it.