The 40 Day Journey - Day 17 (Courage)

My first panic attack was about five years ago.  I had just finished a kick boxing class at the YMCA. As I was leaving, my heart rate felt a little higher than normal.  I brushed it off as an intense class. I left the parking lot and realized my heart rate was increasing, not decreasing. I had no idea what was happening and wondered if I could make it to the local hospital just two miles away.

I only made it a couple of blocks and was certain I was about to pass out.  I saw an office complex and noticed a church office sign. I pulled in and was able to put the car in park.  I remember unlocking my door thinking after I passed out, someone from the church office might come out and help me. Well, I never did pass out. Instead, that was just the first in a series of panic attacks over the next several months.

Two weeks ago, I explored what God was teaching me in brokenness.  Last week I listened to God as He taught me about the cost of following Him.  I was feeling pretty weary and was hoping this week could be one of being encouraged.

I came home today, grabbed my Bible, and sat down in my dining room, which is actually a rocking chair and love seat.  The sun was beating down and I almost had to squint to see the white pages as I searched the Psalms.  God was indeed confirming that this week was to be a week of encouragement.

I asked God if there was a story in the Bible where someone was encouraged in the middle of a mess.  I tried for Abraham again...one of these days He'll let me have that one.  Instead, He directed me to Matthew 14.

John the Baptist was just beheaded, Jesus went away to be by Himself, but the crowds and the disciples followed after Him.  Jesus felt compassion on them and healed many.  When evening came and everyone was hungry, He fed thousands of them with five loaves and two fish!

At the end of a very long day we see in verse 22 that He made the disciples get in a boat and take off and He sent the crowds away.  He needed to be alone to pray.

It appears that sometime in the middle of the night there was some kind of storm.  We read that the disciple's boat was battered and the wind was "contrary".  Can you imagine any of this?  John was just beheaded, the disciples buried his body, they followed the crowd from the city to find Jesus, they had been surrounded by sick people all day, they had been hungry and tired, and now they were fearful for their lives in the middle of a storm.  And then, guess what...they really freak out because there is a ghost walking toward them on the water!

However, it was not a ghost.  It was Jesus. He was walking on water toward the boat.  He did not reprimand them, He did not scold them, He did not say "come on guys, really?!".  No, while they were panicking and not even looking for Him, He came to them.  His words?  "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid."

Jon Bloom, president of Desiring God says, "Courage is our resolve to face a fearful threat.  And courage comes from hope - a hope in something stronger than what we fear."

In light of this quote, Peter "took courage" and faced the fearful threat of the storm. And when Christ bid him come, Peter stepped out of the boat and walked on water! (We have read that so many times that I think we have lost the wonder of that miracle...he literally walked ON water!) Peter had hope in something stronger than his fear, he had hope in God.

Back to my story, when I realized I was having panic attacks and I wasn't dying, I begged God to take them away.  They are so awful.  During those months, I became very close with the Lord.  I prayed more than previous months, I trusted Him with my very life, totally depending on Him to protect me.

He showed me in those months how to "take courage", even if the storm still raged, I had hope.  I think God reminded me of those months to show me that even though I am not experiencing panic attacks today, I can still take courage in the middle of my current struggles.

I don't know when I wrote this or who said it,  but next to Matthew 14 in my Bible, I wrote, "The point is not that we have nothing to fear but that His presence is the basis for our courage."

Did you notice in the scripture passage that the disciples were basically just freaking out.  And Christ came to them.  They didn't stop and pray, they didn't even yell for Him.  They were focused on their fears. In His grace, Jesus walked on water to get to them, His presence gave them courage.

I'm praying in the midst of our storms, we can look out and see Jesus.  He is present.  Take courage. Do not be afraid.  God does not promise an easy life, He does promise to be with us. There is no place too far or too difficult for Him to reach.  We are not beyond His grasp, on the contrary, I think we are in it.